Dim Side

For a long time, I've been seeing working as the means of living; I've been wrong. Working and living are simultaneous, yet I saw the two as apart and opposing.

My psychiatrist, at our last meeting, told me that I'm 'very pessimistic'. Hearing it said out-loud really put the whole thing into perspective. I'm pessimistic. I criticize beyond being cynical because I don't know when to shut my mouth. I mostly stay home because I'm afraid that I'll fail at something out there. I'm incapable of dedicating myself to anything. The more I see, the more negativity I feel, and I come to detest familiarity. The mood-swings intensify it all. I'm complex --I'm cynical about that too, and I'm very pessimistic.

But I'm working on it.

I'm working so hard.

A Pocketful of Clarity

I don't have time for a full entry right now (I start work in an hour-half, it takes me an hour to get there), but for now I will say that things are improving. Elaboration coming soon!

...

Everything's falling apart again. I can't write.

Anyone?

Will I start caring?

Will I be able to focus?

Are the aches going to quit?

The daydreams?

The nightmares?

Will I recognize normalcy?

Would it make a difference if not?

Will I become another person?

A better one?

Won't that realization drive me back to madness?

Is thinking about this driving me to madness?

Is there anything but madness?

Every day is the same

I'm supposed to be on an exercise, sleep, and sunlight regimen, and I haven't gotten around to any of them. This thing continues to perpetuate itself, and every day is the same.

Brain Scratch

I'm going insane. Literally. No shit. On the bright side, I am getting help on a weekly basis. These past few weeks have me thinking a lot about the past few years. Basically, I'm remembering all these mistakes for which I now believe I may have had (and I hate, really HATE using the word) excuses for making. I find no peace in this at all.

"Feeling normal for any extended period of time raises hopes that turn out, almost invariably, to be writ on water."

Kay Redfield Jamison

Hey, look at this: