We meet again

I'm back! Life's been busy busy since finals week, and here I finally feel at peace and so I blog.

As much as I've tried to suppress thoughts of finals week, the memories still leak through. I was charged with finishing 5 online quizzes within the week in order to receive credit for the class. I had 3 finals to study for, about all of which I was uneasy. The following is not an exaggeration: I drank 2-3 Rockstars around Redbulls every day over the course of 4. Needless to say, I felt sick and crazy the whole time and I broke out nastily. Studied in Sinclair all day Wednesday, slept in my car for 2 hours, studied on until my back-to-back finals on Thursday at 9:00a. My feet were sticky. Well well, I PASSED all of those quizzes and thus PASSED the course, PASSED every final and reached the GPA needed for my return in the Spring.

Fucking ecstatic!

My classes for the Spring (hopefully) include: Autobiographical Writing, Intro to Lit: Creative Writing (from Vision to Text), Intro to Photography and Geo 101 (or some other core req, but most likely that). A 4 class load is gonna be cake. Also, my AMP internship will now be a go, meaning loads of artsy goodness and 3 credits for me!!

I've been working full-time at both my job and the reconstruction of my overall being. I need to develop the 2 rolls of film that've been sitting here over the past month. Sad yeah? Neglecting one camera when ANOTHER ONE'S COMING IN THE MAIL! It's a Canon Rebel 2000 slr for the photo course. The case arrived in the mail today, so the cam should be following soon...I hope. Nighttime and indoor shots for a change!

Xmas was shopping, eating, giving, receiving, yadda. I was given enough money for the forementioned camera and case along with some clothes. Was goood. A few days later, a holiday party at Ben's included Cranium, secret santa, beer pong, Wii, champagne, Flip Cup, King's Cup and foolishness of the highest caliber. I was quite amused. Sachi threw a party at her house last night, and it was most of the same. She let Buddha and I win beer pong. It's been great seeing everyone together on so many occasions.

There's this familiar warmth under my chest and I wish it wouldn't leave.
Is it too soon to commit to this resolution?

See you,

I'm going to blog my ass off after my last final. Until then, see you.

Soon, soon

Diana hates me and for that I hate myself!

Touched by fire

I've realized how dull I've become since my doctor upped one of my medications.

So,

I think I'll twist this lid off and welcome what fire flows over.

"What's your road, man? — holyboy road, madman road, rainbow road, guppy road, any road. It's an anywhere road for anybody anyhow."

~ Dean Moriarty

Gravity's been extra heavy on me lately

In existence, there are 4 forces: electromagnetism, strong force, weak force, and gravity. Out of these, strong force (aka movement, like how we extend our limbs) is the most powerful..in essence. But on the smallest and largest scales, gravity is the most flexible. It grows as mass does and dominates until every other force becomes insignificant. I strongly believe that the universe, existence, really, is uniform. As we take on more and more tasks, obligations, responsibilities, burdens- the pressure, the gravity depresses us to the core. It forces our faces to the ground 'til the skyscape's figment, and then we're just camels, dry fucking camels (Maybe they do that because of stress too. Deserts are pretty shitty.). But remember: strong force is named as such for a reason. It's solid and unwavering, patient 'til gravity slips up, and then it's all about momentum.

Giving up, we lose the chance to catch the lightest in life: the inspiration that keeps on inspiring.

Please,

anyone, just tell me that everything's going to be okay.

Company

I was dropped into my personality years ago and I've been trying to get out ever since.

Carrie Fisher is amazing.

So, uh..hmm

I won't be able to fall asleep for a couple hours, so I'll spend some time here. I'm tired of Facebook already, and Twitter limits the amount of text you can post. Myspace is fucked already. I'd watch Youtube, but it feels like I'm looking in on someone's life and I guess, admiring it, and that's very awkward. Pandora is my only internet constant nowadays. Discovering new artists, torrenting their albums and burning them, well, those are some of the things that get me going in the mornings. I have a ridiculously great Shins channel. Let's see.. Also on my shortcut bar is lomography.com which is very tempting at the moment, but I'm saving money. Laulima, Wiki, Onemanga, yadda.

Anyway, I'm taking a look at next semester's classes. I'm sticking to English until I graduate, but I haven't the slightest about what I'll minor in. Okay, here's what I'm hoping to take:

Understanding Photography*

English Composition II (I wasn't able to get into this during a previous semester)*

Argumentative Writing

Autobiographical Writing*

Japanese (whichever level I can qualify for; probably 301)*

Philosophy (deductive or inductive; I have no idea)

*most preferred

So I most likely will not take more than 4 courses. I've been having such difficulties balancing these 5 (one night class) and my job. I haven't had a single day off since the beginning of the semester and won't until the end of finals. I want to do something on Wednesday because school's off and I'm not scheduled for work, but I've got so much studying to do, and I really want to do well this time.

I know that all of this stress will be over once December hits, but fuck, it's going to take so much goddamn effort to earn the security of that satisfaction. I don't want to cringe when I see my transcript and regret the whole semester. I've got so much more work to do..

I'm gonna go lie down now.

Oh, and the Japanese part was a joke. I wasuru'd all my nihongo a long jikan ago.

Hello from home

Dear..

Where have you been?

I'd heard the lot of news

And then very little

But I'm not worried or anything,

Just wondering about you.

I dream you

On the ocean, on a sailboat,

On a sun splattered deck,

Aiming with a brush tipped teal,

Like a magnet-centered

Compass wheel.

Now!

Now this may seem sudden and as extreme at it's poles as I am as a whole but I've been so down for so long and haven't made much of anything of myself and I can't settle for that because there's so damn much outside to see and eyes to meet and it all may not be around by the time I make it so I'd best step out and soak up and breathe out and make it so!

?mm

I've been wanting to post something here for a while, but I've been stressed and out of focus for the past month or so. I'm struggling a great deal in school, and it's been tough keeping up a confident front toward it. I have to pass at least 10 quizzes at the psych lab by finals week, which means 3 a week to be safe. Half of me says I'm fucking screwed, but I say fuck that half and fuck the tests; I'm going to do this. Then there's an astro class that I feel stupid in. I've marked half of max points on 2 tests already. I wish I'd taken physics in high school.

I can't figure how to balance these two loads. How do I focus on two directions at once?

UPDATE: I figured out a psych quiz schedule: I need to pass 1 test on each Tuesday and Thursday, plus two quizzes every Wednesday until November 26th. If all goes according to plan, I'll actually catch up and be ahead of schedule before finals. Beating two due dates will earn me extra incentive points toward my grade.

17 quizzes at 50pts a piece equals 850pts - that'll get me a solid C

+50 incentive points makes 900pts - that'll get me a solid B

I'm throwing a ridiculous party when I pull this shit off.

crunch crunch crunch

So I'm sitting in Sinclair, studying for my tests, and this girl's behind me eating chips with her mouth open. How big is that bag?! I'm attracting so many of these people this week.

Anyway, like I said, I'm studying. I've got my last midterm tomorrow for Evolution of the Universe, and the stack of slides I need to study is at least 100 pages long. That girl is still eating those fucking chips. Does anyone know what the fundamental parameters of the expanding universe are? I will soon. Oh, and work sucks.

As for life outside of the obligatory one, it isn't much. I finished one roll of film this week, and I'm going to start a UH-focused one today. I'm hoping to get some together for November's AMP show; I just need to find the balls to showcase it all. I'll post some up for feedback, if you guys don't mind critiquing.

Alright, back to the studies. That girl finished her chips, and if she has another bag, I'm outta here.

At the heart of this depression is the insatiability of a dying monster.

Recipe for Stars

I had another dream last night.

At the heart of it was a person I've been thinking a lot about lately. I haven't seen or heard from her for nearly 3 years, and well, that's my fault. I pushed her away, well, scared her away, and she moved on with her life. I didn't. I went radical in order to block her out of my mind. I still loved her, but for some far out reason, thought that was all wrong. I didn't realize it then, but I was living in contrast to her. That is, I grew out a fucking mane, which she would have hated. Started hanging out with a crowd. I started drinking. Smoking. Drugs. I guess I didn't care about myself anymore. And somewhere along the line, I finally forgot about her. Now, fast-forward to the crawl toward sobriety and my eventual rehabilitation. She popped back into my head in an instance so quick, it was as if a magnet in my head pulled hues of her back into me. Spiders and stars and that blue center light pop, just like Kerouac said. But the memories are time-worn, and my mind isn't what it used to be.

She was in a dream last night. Scene: we're talking to one another, and my face is inches away from hers. No physical stuff; just conversation. We discuss our lives, what we are, and why we're here. I need her back and she needs me too. Without breaking that constant gaze, she and I decide to kick the bullshit and reset ourselves. It's all warm. Love is gravity here. Love is every element. We're overflowing with the stuff and into one another, and all of it with a million times over amplified familiarity. Words pale.

And all of a sudden, she blinked away. I desperately searched for some way of finding her. An address, a phone number, anything. But I slowly faded out of that place and into this one. This fucking bed. This fucking room. A world where she exists, far away and without me and happy. After nearly 3 years, I still remember her phone number. I can't call her.

She wouldn't recognize me anyway.

Vertigo

A Canopus*

A Hundred or So

Human Lumin

Water Over-under

Northern Exposure

*A "canopus" is a canopy on campus.

Edit: I typed "canopus" into google for kicks and was shocked to find that Canopus is a star within the constellation Carina, and also the second brightest star in the sky. I'm gonna look for it this week.

Kore Mite!

So I finally got my film developed, and the results were interesting. I learned a lot from this first batch, including how to pick the right lighting setting, distance setting, and aiming. I also need to remember to crank before I take the next shot. I effed up a lot of cool scenes that way.

Anyway, all photos were shot with a sexy lil Diana F+ lomo, courtesy of Kiana. Thank you!

Mokule'ia

That's my dad. Our family's fished at that spot for decades.

I don't know how I made Kaka'ako look like this, but the

colors are nice. An oasis in the city.

No idea of what this says, but from left to right, I see a Chinese dragon.

rawr

Oh, all the graffiti is from the Lanikai pillboxes. The sweetest thing

about the place is that the tags are always different.

Guava you too!

I asked them to change positions. Kristian wins with 'the tick

four-armed moke pose'.

K I'm gonna go order more film shoots!

Jitters

I should be in school right now, studying and taking online quizzes, but I'm exhausted. The Psych meeting isn't tremendously important, so I slept through that. Having five classes (including a lab) isn't so rough, but the courses are an hour and fifteen long, provide little to no content besides slides, and are extremely boring at times. If I stop taking notes for a minute or so, I'm already crashing. My independent Astro field studies were depriving me of a lot of rest, so I haven't gotten any work done in a while.

Those dreams I referred to in an earlier entry were raping me super bad, so my psychiatrist prescribed me some sleep aid medication. Problem right now is, I'm gonna be having "hangovers" for a while until my body gets used to it. A long way back, I could function on six hours of rest, but within the past week, I've needed nine. I told my mom that my body feels like it's aging too fast. Like it's dying. She laughed and assured me that I'm still young and everything. But man, my body feels like it's dying.

Ahhh and my anxiety gets the best of me at the worst times. I've been wanting so bad to meet new people at school, and I play it out in my mind, and figure what I'm going to say, and yeah. I think I analyze possible scenarios so much that when it happens differently, I panic over not having a plan for the provided situation. And afterwards, I feel like I made a fool of myself and that the person probably won't talk to me in class the next day. Fuck. I get all shaky and can't make as much eye contact, and I think I end up sounding dumb, literally. I have a medication for this, but it's got some side-effects. My psychiatrist said it'll make me "feel drunk" and that I shouldn't (harhar Kiana) drive or operate heavy machinery, y'know, that whole bit. But then again, when I do drink, I am a lot calmer and less self-conscious. I'm just terrified of becoming dependent on the stuff. The thought of relapsing is giving me anxiety right now, so I'm ending.

Behind Bars

Society bars individuality. All of us are consistently pressured to touch upon a level of put-together-ness when really, we only need to appear better by comparison. Therein, the road to success is ultimately dominance (as demonstrated by a particular continent to the east). But there's hope beyond this, and it's called independence. Now, I realize that it's unavoidable that I'm influenced by everything around me, and that's not what I'm referring to. How we interpret this existence is what defines it all. This world's been fabricated purely out of opinion, so why should yours be any less significant? Voice!

Oh, and nice guys don't finish last. At the least, they finish. It's the hesitant ones that never truly begin.

"To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else— means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
~E.E. Cummings

Combustion

I'm making decisions that may or may not make any more sense of any of this.

Ghosts and shit.

I don't understand my body much anymore. My sleeping patterns are ridiculously out of whack. Because of work and my Astro field studies, I'm working late, falling asleep on the way home, and usually don't get there 'til about 12:00a. When I'm finally ready to crash, I can't. I lay there and my heart pumps like crazy, and I feel as though I need to get up and do something. I'm doomed at this point, because I need to wake up at 6:00a for school.

It gets better.

When I finally do pass out, I dream. I dream over and over again and wake up between each one. Sometimes I'm half-awake, and I trip out on people being in my room with me, watching me, talking to me; and I watch and talk back. It all sounds a lot scarier as I type this. Ghosts and shit.

A few nights ago, I experienced something..well, I don't know what. This one dream was strange, of course, combining a Chinese restaurant with the Matrix with me having Ichigo powers (woo!), but one part of it deviated from the story line and became one of its own. Hers was a face that I'm positive I'd never seen before, but she was beautiful. Maybe she was the product of every attraction, every fondness I've ever known. Anyway, that isn't the point. In this dream, I loved this girl. I felt her on my skin, pouring in, flowing through my every fiber. Sensations that had paled so long ago were (literally) in my dreams. Finally. I was already looking forward to tomorrow, (which I somehow had conscious knowledge about) and how I'd spend it with her. I remember thinking, still dreaming, that I couldn't wait for the world to know about us.

And then I woke up,

And for seconds, maybe minutes, I dreamt of her still.

But I realized that none of it was real.

And in that instant, I didn't want anything of any thing anymore.

It was an amazing episode, but I never want to see it again. With the consistent absence of such a thing would come unbearable intervals. I'm familiar with such essences.

Fucking dreams, man.

Vanity

I'm going to address a matter, well, a problem (not mine, maybe yours) that has hung over my head my entire life.

I don't choose to look the way I do. Yeah, I clean up, pay loads of mind to my hair, and am selective about what I wear. But being my size, as skinny as I am: I don't have a fucking choice. People (most of which I hardly know) will tell me "Jeez, you're so skinny" or "You've gotta eat" or "You're so lucky you're so skinny". Now, I understand that majority of the world conforms to modernism, tradition, collective social ideals, yadda yadda, but I fucking hate such ignorance. I know I'm skinny, I can eat most than most people in a sitting, and I'm not lucky for shit. My metabolism's strapped to goddamn jet-packs, and tied with the fact that I'm in constant locomotion, my body burns away whatever I've got. I don't have any fat to convert into muscle, so all I can do is preserve what I've got. And I utilize it better than fools bigger than me.

No, I don't mind being what I am.

So here, this is for you, reader, or anyone you know who believes in and conveys that crap: Would you do the same to an obese person? Approach an individual you barely know, or worse, someone close to you, and exclaim "Wow, you're so fat! You must eat a lot. I'm soooo jealous!"? How the fuck is this any different? How is it that people don't realize this? This fucking country is doomed to such vanity, and the population is unknowingly enslaved by it.

I've dealt with this straight up bullshit my entire life, so I'm used to it. Problem is, the rest of the world is too.

Gaze

I have to leave for work soon, even though I don't start until 6:00p. The H2 is apparently closed because of a Wahiawa fire that's been blazing for what, 2 weeks already? Some people excited about it, but shit, if their houses were anywhere near there, they'd be scared out of their minds.

Anyway, I haven't made an entry in almost a week, and I can't leave until I type something. School's been very entertaining, which is new for me. Archaeoastronomy is the only class that puts me to sleep, and will probably prove most difficult because of the lacking quality of the lectures. I need to finish the first 4 chapters of Psych UM in order to get bonus points, and I will do so. Evolution of Astronomy entails the Big Bang, nebulae, the intimidating Doppler Effect, and other cool complicated things. Religion's professor is very entertaining, and I'll more than likely get an A. I think I mentioned that before.

My favorite course, of course, is my Astro Lab. So far I've seen Jupiter, two of it's moons, 5 or 6 Zodiac constellations (Including Scorpio, aka Maui's Fish Hook. You know, Hawaiian Super Maaaan!"), the dippers, Polaris (the star aligned with the North Pole), and two nebulae. Fucking sick. Also, thanks to Sachi, I now have Google Sky Map on my phone, which allows me to view a very accurate map of whichever part of the Solar System I point it at. Oh yeah, and a shooting star for the first time ever! I can't believe I'm being graded on laying in the grass and scoping the sky.

Well, I hope I'm absorbent enough for this field. I'd never thought of myself as a potential scientist.

I haven't met anyone in my Religion lecture yet. My excuse is that the room is huge. The same goes for Evolution of the Universe, but that content's so interesting that I wouldn't want to talk to anyone anyway. Psychology, we only have one meeting a week, and it's easier for me to study on my own in this case. In Archaeo, I have Nikki to talk to and smoke with. I haven't seen her in..5 years? I felt bad for not recognizing her. Kaui's in my Astro Lab, and I met a few new people as well. Lee's from..I forget where, but he spent his last two years in Japan, which automatically makes him cool. Sarah always wants to ride in the trunk of my car, and it's becoming more and more of a possibility. Casey paints and unintentionally(?) but consistently delivers innuendo.

I've been listening to a lot of Norah Jones, and wish I could come up with the 300 or so dollars to see her when she comes here. My favorite by sound is Turn Me On, and favorite by word is Nearness of You.

She Took the Time

I found this piece just now, one I wrote a few semesters ago for a writing course. My style must've changed a lot since, because I had some difficulty explicating it. I really don't recognize anything from back then.

He knows he’s been had. He’d expected broken glass at his feet, or across the dash, or jagged in the upholstery like crooked teeth, but there’s just the spare set all snug in the ignition because she knew you couldn’t lose it there, and she did it to make you red. So you start to search because something’s gotta be missing. The radio knobs are all wrong. The wheel’s girdling your belly. You’d dust it all down if you could, or fog up the windows with some sort of steam-machine, like you two could when that lot was empty enough, but the prints on the windows’d be none but your own. Then you remember the backseat, but the emergency brake jabs you in the kneecap like she meant it to, so you slam it down and climb over. It still smells like smoke and gin all the same, but wouldn’t you know it, she’s made off with the perfume that you lifted for the anniversary, God knows for what price. Now only those stains remain, and she’d have taken those too if they weren’t so deep in the seat. So you start to ponder shampoos, and in a blink, you think you’ve hit gold, but it’s that damn spare flashing you in the corner eye. The sun’s come up, and she’s made you late for work again. You swing around to the front and turn the key, the spare, ‘cause it’s already there, and you’re late because of her anyway. The car rolls easy into reverse, and you wonder if she took the time to cut the brake line.

On Love and Likeness

Once you've been with someone, whether short- or long-term, you always remember the feeling. It pushes a craving into your mind, draws out preoccupation, and slams it all back home. You eventually recover. But the withdrawals are horrible. All of it will be there, ever-clung to the underbelly of your brain, shadowing the void where that little missing piece of you is meant to be. Instead it's resentment, depression, regret, regression. Sometimes it's nonchalance, but I think that's sadder than the former mentioned. Denial is the worst enemy of progress.

Above it all,

we cope

we search

we wait, we hope

for love.

Being single gives me a lot of time to myself. I'm focusing a great deal on school, work, and I mostly do productive things in my spare time.

But it's just..well, you know.

Hey, I know this tune

I'm 2 weeks and 4 days fully sober. This is the longest I've gone without substance or alcohol since about 2 years prior, and it's all so satisfying. I remember who I used to be. It's who I am again.

Grass, sand under my feet, sunbeams on the ocean, jumping over and around things, running as fast as I can with my eyes closed, conversing with my parents, cheap food in the park, Aqueous Transmission in the rain, climbing, laughing uncontrollably, driving windows-down, reaching pitches just right, clickclickclicking, used pencils, pastel, calling pockets, touching trees, strangers, meetings, desire, danger; all of it's so strikingly vivid.

And it's all describable.

"I won't feel the pull of the coming day

or the compromise of sleep
'cause I've got a fire on the soles of my feet."

Major Discoveries

I looked through a telescope for the first time tonight. It was AMAZING. They're giant real-time cameras with monster zoom. I saw the moon so clearly, craters 'n all, and Jupiter, though it was still really tiny. Assembling the scope and aiming it came easily, almost naturally, and well, it just felt right. I think I've finally found my major.

Prior to that, I experienced a different side of the school campus. First of all, parking is boosted up from $4 to $5 after 4:00pm, which is damn ridiculous. Why the fuck should students with night classes have to pay more than day-students? The only reason I could think of was that after 4:00pm, anyone can park in the reserved stalls around campus, but fuck (haha), no one's around that late anyway. I really needed a bathroom after that, so I walked over to Campus Center. The game room was locked, so I tried upstairs. The men's room was being cleaned. I headed over to Kuykendall (that could be how you spell it) and the building was closed. I went back to CC, checked upstairs, and almost pissed on the wall, but that only would've solved half of my problem. I booked it to Bilger and finally found an open bathroom, walked into a stall, and the fucking lock was broken! So now I pose the question: how can the school raise the parking fee from $3 to $5 within a year and not have the money to fix one little hinge?

I love campus at dusk though. It's quiet, the air's cool, and the sun hits everything so perfectly. I can't wait to have my film developed.

School minus books and I'm still broke

Today was my first day in school since I was suspended last semester. Well, I was actually on campus yesterday, so I'm not sure if that counts, but I needed to find my classes so I wouldn't look as lost as I was today. I feel old. I feel like I've been on that campus for ages (technically, I have, but it's a simile, so chill), and obviously haven't accomplished much. But it was very refreshing to have such a tight agenda. At 10:30 I had World Religions with a stand-up professor who will most likely give me an A. He didn't even order books for us to buy. Ten minutes after that, I booked it to Archeoastronomy (after a quick piss, 'cause coffee and cran-pom run right through me). If you don't know, or haven't Wiki'd it yet, Archeoastro is the study of ancient to present means of mapping the stars. This prof was the only one who lectured instead of discussing the syllabus, and also the only one who's making us buy books. Additionally, she kept straying off topic to the point at which her lecture had nothing to do with the powerpoint, yet she kept flipping from slide to slide. I dozed a few times. Fifteen minutes after that, I took the elevator up to the forth floor, which was very ancient-looking and very deserted. Evolution of Astronomy was the class, ad I'm looking forward to the content. The prof had obviously neglected to prepare for the day, but hey, so did I. No books for that one either. I've gotta walk in to a 7:00pm Astro lab tomorrow and I hope I'll get in. Stargazing at Kapiolani would be the easiest A ever.

I've got $17 to last me 'til Friday. Stretching is way more fun than saving.

Deep Space Stasis

Deep space stasis

Keeping you at ease,

Tumbling through the aether,

Your head between your knees

Apocalypse now already!

I can't wait for the day when the world resets itself. Everything's so damn organized, and everyone's so preset. I've been thinking about this for some time, and re-watching The Day The Earth Stood Still really sparked it for me. I'm mainly referring to the ending where every bit of technology in the world shuts down (Sorry if I ruined that for you. Maybe I should have posted a disclaimer first. Well, I could just redo this paragraph, but I hate deleting things). Ironically, in such a case, this blog wouldn't exist anymore, but I wouldn't mind. I'd make my own post-its out of tree bark and honey and stick 'em everywhere. Anyway, I don't mean to say that I wish aliens would rape us or some kind of rapture would occur, and I would never wish for anyone to die. But it's apparent (to me, at least) that the trigger-happy actions and negligent inactions of the human race will not pass without consequence. It looks like the world's imminently barreling toward such a fate, and I can't wait.

The First Amendment

Since a week or so ago, I've been setting lifestyle regulations. My friends like to point out my inability to obey rules, or as I prefer to put it, my refusal to conform to conventional belief. But I do agree that actions should be kept in check, and who better for mine than myself? This post is about amendment. Number one rule is that I continue to fight shy of all drugs and alcohol. I won't miss any classes this semester unless an emergency comes up. I'll still give time to my job, but most of my fervor will be directed towards taking notes, studying, and shooting for GPA boosts until I'm qualified enough for travel programs (which I'm more than convinced are fucking amazing). I'm going to develop some sort of exercise regimen around school and my job, though I wish I could go hiking every day instead. I've found a number of hobbies in the past few weeks, and will find the time to foster my writing, lomography (pictures coming as soon as I develop it), parcour (free-running), and language self-tutoring (once I can afford Rosetta Stone!). Oh, and I've grown fond of organic things after trying soaps made out of olive oil, hemp, shit like that. I'm not gonna go crazy health-nut on everyone; I just like smelling of almonds. I'm going to try avoiding soda too. Because of all that's happened, I'm just sick of chemicals.

This is the first positive piece I've posted since I opened this account, and I'm happy to share it.

One-eighty

I endured a most severe anxiety attack tonight, and am immeasurably grateful for having such understanding and supportive friends. Also noteworthy, I'm going cold turkey and will upkeep full sobriety with ever-swelling conviction.

Prospective

So I'm feeling pretty easy right now, enjoying the not-too-hot-not-too-cold weather and iTunes on shuffle. Helicopter, by Bloc Party. I haven't relaxed like this well, since I don't know when, and it's great to be able to think at my own pace. I'm amazed at how drastically my life's changed over the past year. From June 2008, I spiraled into late night to early morning hangouts, to drug addictions, to sobriety, to a relapse, to sobriety, to relapse, all of which riddled with anxiety attacks and major depression. Letters in the Sea, by The Dimes. Despite all of this, I was somehow content, constantly drawn by what prospects that life offered. It's not that I couldn't stop, or that I didn't want to; I felt as though it were impossible that everything could be anything but what it was. That mindset is what debilitates the mentally conditioned. Christians in Black, by Rogue Wave. Rooted in the middle of nowhere. But everything did change. I finally talked to people about my past, my addictions, my mental condition, and weights were lifted. Deciding to see a psychiatrist will most likely stand as the most vital choice I have and will ever make. Following continued psychotherapy and medication, I've begun to reconstruct my brain biologically and my mind cognitively. I've begun to recognize myself.

I do realize that majority of my posts are excessively melancholy, and that I may be downing your mood in turn. Be assured, writing is my most powerful form of self-therapy, and I sincerely hope that all of this will benefit you as it has I.

Fixing my Brain, by Brad Sucks.

Dim Side

For a long time, I've been seeing working as the means of living; I've been wrong. Working and living are simultaneous, yet I saw the two as apart and opposing.

My psychiatrist, at our last meeting, told me that I'm 'very pessimistic'. Hearing it said out-loud really put the whole thing into perspective. I'm pessimistic. I criticize beyond being cynical because I don't know when to shut my mouth. I mostly stay home because I'm afraid that I'll fail at something out there. I'm incapable of dedicating myself to anything. The more I see, the more negativity I feel, and I come to detest familiarity. The mood-swings intensify it all. I'm complex --I'm cynical about that too, and I'm very pessimistic.

But I'm working on it.

I'm working so hard.

A Pocketful of Clarity

I don't have time for a full entry right now (I start work in an hour-half, it takes me an hour to get there), but for now I will say that things are improving. Elaboration coming soon!

...

Everything's falling apart again. I can't write.

Anyone?

Will I start caring?

Will I be able to focus?

Are the aches going to quit?

The daydreams?

The nightmares?

Will I recognize normalcy?

Would it make a difference if not?

Will I become another person?

A better one?

Won't that realization drive me back to madness?

Is thinking about this driving me to madness?

Is there anything but madness?

Every day is the same

I'm supposed to be on an exercise, sleep, and sunlight regimen, and I haven't gotten around to any of them. This thing continues to perpetuate itself, and every day is the same.

Brain Scratch

I'm going insane. Literally. No shit. On the bright side, I am getting help on a weekly basis. These past few weeks have me thinking a lot about the past few years. Basically, I'm remembering all these mistakes for which I now believe I may have had (and I hate, really HATE using the word) excuses for making. I find no peace in this at all.

"Feeling normal for any extended period of time raises hopes that turn out, almost invariably, to be writ on water."

Kay Redfield Jamison

Hey, look at this:

Error

So I've been posting since before the last one down there, but under a different blogspot URL. I didn't remember creating a new one, and I don't know why! 

Everything will be posted here from now on.

Here I go

I think things may be improving for me. Well, I'd like to think I'm improving things for myself. I've been slowly kicking my addictions, but that shit just always sticks. Parasites that can't be flushed. Constant fucking twitches that won't leave me still. But I'm still trying as hard as I can. My sister's graduation party was today, and I'm so proud of her. I was happy to feel like crying during her slideshow, and that makes me happy. I hope my writing will be progressively coherent as I improve on everything, because none of this makes much sense to me. Anyway, I want to start piecing again. My brother's a really great writer, and we apparently share similar tastes and style, which makes a lot of sense. I've always felt more like him than anyone in my family, though we've probably spent the least amount of time together. He's leaving tomorrow, and I hope we stay in touch. So back to the addiction thing; I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I suppose that in that, I know I'm making the right decision in seeing one. Don't get me wrong; I'm not doing it for the therapy. I just think I need some meds that won't fuck me up for get me addicted or anything like that. I figure I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain, and that I've had it since, I'm estimating, I was about 12. That's pretty fucked, considering that's as far back as I can remember anything relevant. If I'm right, which I'm sure I am, my life will start to make a lot more sense with medication. A little sense would be more than I could ask for, really. Ultimately, I want to be able to give my family everything that they deserve. I want to learn things at school and retain that shit. I want to find love. Like, genuine, mind-blowing, hot-bellied LOVE. I want so bad to love someone. Right now, I just can't. 

Barberstop

I wish hair only grew when you wanted it to.

Barking and Biting

I've recently come to terms with the fact that I say a lot more than I do.