?mm

I've been wanting to post something here for a while, but I've been stressed and out of focus for the past month or so. I'm struggling a great deal in school, and it's been tough keeping up a confident front toward it. I have to pass at least 10 quizzes at the psych lab by finals week, which means 3 a week to be safe. Half of me says I'm fucking screwed, but I say fuck that half and fuck the tests; I'm going to do this. Then there's an astro class that I feel stupid in. I've marked half of max points on 2 tests already. I wish I'd taken physics in high school.

I can't figure how to balance these two loads. How do I focus on two directions at once?

UPDATE: I figured out a psych quiz schedule: I need to pass 1 test on each Tuesday and Thursday, plus two quizzes every Wednesday until November 26th. If all goes according to plan, I'll actually catch up and be ahead of schedule before finals. Beating two due dates will earn me extra incentive points toward my grade.

17 quizzes at 50pts a piece equals 850pts - that'll get me a solid C

+50 incentive points makes 900pts - that'll get me a solid B

I'm throwing a ridiculous party when I pull this shit off.

crunch crunch crunch

So I'm sitting in Sinclair, studying for my tests, and this girl's behind me eating chips with her mouth open. How big is that bag?! I'm attracting so many of these people this week.

Anyway, like I said, I'm studying. I've got my last midterm tomorrow for Evolution of the Universe, and the stack of slides I need to study is at least 100 pages long. That girl is still eating those fucking chips. Does anyone know what the fundamental parameters of the expanding universe are? I will soon. Oh, and work sucks.

As for life outside of the obligatory one, it isn't much. I finished one roll of film this week, and I'm going to start a UH-focused one today. I'm hoping to get some together for November's AMP show; I just need to find the balls to showcase it all. I'll post some up for feedback, if you guys don't mind critiquing.

Alright, back to the studies. That girl finished her chips, and if she has another bag, I'm outta here.

At the heart of this depression is the insatiability of a dying monster.

Recipe for Stars

I had another dream last night.

At the heart of it was a person I've been thinking a lot about lately. I haven't seen or heard from her for nearly 3 years, and well, that's my fault. I pushed her away, well, scared her away, and she moved on with her life. I didn't. I went radical in order to block her out of my mind. I still loved her, but for some far out reason, thought that was all wrong. I didn't realize it then, but I was living in contrast to her. That is, I grew out a fucking mane, which she would have hated. Started hanging out with a crowd. I started drinking. Smoking. Drugs. I guess I didn't care about myself anymore. And somewhere along the line, I finally forgot about her. Now, fast-forward to the crawl toward sobriety and my eventual rehabilitation. She popped back into my head in an instance so quick, it was as if a magnet in my head pulled hues of her back into me. Spiders and stars and that blue center light pop, just like Kerouac said. But the memories are time-worn, and my mind isn't what it used to be.

She was in a dream last night. Scene: we're talking to one another, and my face is inches away from hers. No physical stuff; just conversation. We discuss our lives, what we are, and why we're here. I need her back and she needs me too. Without breaking that constant gaze, she and I decide to kick the bullshit and reset ourselves. It's all warm. Love is gravity here. Love is every element. We're overflowing with the stuff and into one another, and all of it with a million times over amplified familiarity. Words pale.

And all of a sudden, she blinked away. I desperately searched for some way of finding her. An address, a phone number, anything. But I slowly faded out of that place and into this one. This fucking bed. This fucking room. A world where she exists, far away and without me and happy. After nearly 3 years, I still remember her phone number. I can't call her.

She wouldn't recognize me anyway.

Vertigo

A Canopus*

A Hundred or So

Human Lumin

Water Over-under

Northern Exposure

*A "canopus" is a canopy on campus.

Edit: I typed "canopus" into google for kicks and was shocked to find that Canopus is a star within the constellation Carina, and also the second brightest star in the sky. I'm gonna look for it this week.

Kore Mite!

So I finally got my film developed, and the results were interesting. I learned a lot from this first batch, including how to pick the right lighting setting, distance setting, and aiming. I also need to remember to crank before I take the next shot. I effed up a lot of cool scenes that way.

Anyway, all photos were shot with a sexy lil Diana F+ lomo, courtesy of Kiana. Thank you!

Mokule'ia

That's my dad. Our family's fished at that spot for decades.

I don't know how I made Kaka'ako look like this, but the

colors are nice. An oasis in the city.

No idea of what this says, but from left to right, I see a Chinese dragon.

rawr

Oh, all the graffiti is from the Lanikai pillboxes. The sweetest thing

about the place is that the tags are always different.

Guava you too!

I asked them to change positions. Kristian wins with 'the tick

four-armed moke pose'.

K I'm gonna go order more film shoots!

Jitters

I should be in school right now, studying and taking online quizzes, but I'm exhausted. The Psych meeting isn't tremendously important, so I slept through that. Having five classes (including a lab) isn't so rough, but the courses are an hour and fifteen long, provide little to no content besides slides, and are extremely boring at times. If I stop taking notes for a minute or so, I'm already crashing. My independent Astro field studies were depriving me of a lot of rest, so I haven't gotten any work done in a while.

Those dreams I referred to in an earlier entry were raping me super bad, so my psychiatrist prescribed me some sleep aid medication. Problem right now is, I'm gonna be having "hangovers" for a while until my body gets used to it. A long way back, I could function on six hours of rest, but within the past week, I've needed nine. I told my mom that my body feels like it's aging too fast. Like it's dying. She laughed and assured me that I'm still young and everything. But man, my body feels like it's dying.

Ahhh and my anxiety gets the best of me at the worst times. I've been wanting so bad to meet new people at school, and I play it out in my mind, and figure what I'm going to say, and yeah. I think I analyze possible scenarios so much that when it happens differently, I panic over not having a plan for the provided situation. And afterwards, I feel like I made a fool of myself and that the person probably won't talk to me in class the next day. Fuck. I get all shaky and can't make as much eye contact, and I think I end up sounding dumb, literally. I have a medication for this, but it's got some side-effects. My psychiatrist said it'll make me "feel drunk" and that I shouldn't (harhar Kiana) drive or operate heavy machinery, y'know, that whole bit. But then again, when I do drink, I am a lot calmer and less self-conscious. I'm just terrified of becoming dependent on the stuff. The thought of relapsing is giving me anxiety right now, so I'm ending.