It doesn't take much effort

As much as I've been trying to regulate my funds, I have myself here in a financial slump. I didn't expect that being in between jobs, if only for a week, would pin me down so flat.

$10 in my wallet.

$55 in my checking.

$00 in my savings.

$33 in a check from Banana, for my training hours.

5 gallons of gas in my car

8 cigarettes

That's what I have to last me until the end of the week.

What's troubling me a lot (not the most, but a whole lot) is that I can't afford to get 5 rolls of film printed. Well, they're already processed and ready for me, but won't be mine until payday. In turn, I've been writing twice as much to fill my daily free time. Do you know what this means?

It means I'm already doing what I want to do.

See; you all waste your time worrying about shit. You think you have to make it to a certain point or, or make a certain person believe you're a certain person, just to be a person that's certain. Shit on yourself. I don't want diploma, I won't waive a flag, and I don't have to impress you. And now, here I am, a fucking "rebel"? Really?. What do you think of when you hear that term? Am I supposed to feel cool? Or am I just downright wrong in the eyes of the law? The MAN. Would you call the Native Americans "rebels"? What about the Jews? African Americans? Rebellion is SCARY, huh? Unheard of!

I run my mouth, and it may not always be educated, but I write my script first.

The leading man never calls for lines.

Phobniac

I'm gettin outta this damn town.
I don't know where i'm going and there's no guarantee that things'll go any better when i get there
But I can't fly free here.

I'm slowly turning into the early phases of my life mission. Second Banana Republic interview tomorrow, and the job's mine. I've decided to delete Longs as a potential second job. It's become monotonous and amain thing I mean to do here is eliminate such useless time. Should I drive straight to work after Banana Republic and quit? Maybe. I've already talked to a lot of my coworkers about it. I'm going to miss seeing them every day. We'll still see each other.

I'm mixed up at the moment.
I've been itching for romance lately. These vibes must be strong this time of year. But I also wonder if I'm at a stable point of being right now. I feel like a risk. It takes little things to hold me together, but then you've gotta realize how fragile those hands can be.

Arthritis.

Something I scribbled along a nice trip:
I want someone who knows what she wants to
but feels not the need to

Am I as dangerous as I think I am?
I try really hard though. I'm still hot-headed, but I don't mean to make it personal. I've been helping my family and friends as much as I can. At those moments, I don't feel dangerous at all. I hope that you see me. I have a conviction of which I am very proud of: I will use every part of myself, every whip of this fire; to protect you all.

Oh, in regards to the quote above: I feel like I'm already growing apart from this place. Seattle's all I think about, and as I plan more about it, everything becomes so serious. I'm trying so hard to escape from my home. It looks sad like that. Still, I know I'll succeed at something once I move out into the world. I'm claustrophobic, you know.

Canon Rebel 2000 EOS

Fuji 400iso Ultramax Color

This was under Pike's Place, across from the wall of gum.

On second thought,

So depressing my last post.

I've been digging too deep.

I'm very much alive and well.

I've got an interview at Banana Republic tonight. I'm very confident and looking forward to working there. I'm expecting a higher wage. Also awesome is the discount I'll be getting, meaning I'll be wearing clothing a bit more formal, as I've grown to like. I won't have to wear the same clothes every week! I'm expecting a more mature crowd than I'm used to, and I know the environment will help me to grow up a bit more. One step closer to Seattle!

I'm working on a handful of projects this summer. Photography will be ongoing, of course. I'm hoping to land at least a few freelance gigs and maybe find a consistent job pertaining along the line. I have a gig next week Friday, shooting at a tandem surfing event in Kapolei. Sean's gonna rent me a telephoto and I'm expecting a decent pay.

I've started painting my furniture and it's gotten me stenciling. I've always been an avid fan of graffiti and murals, but I've always doubted my potential for it. I'll start with pens and work my way up to spray.

I've been on and off exploring Garageband and hoping to compile a CD by the end of the summer. It's a lot easier than it seems, but my beats are nowhere near the magnificence of Bonobo.

Hmm..

I want to hike on a basis. Getting into shape sounds like a good idea. I've been cutting down on cigarettes by keeping so busy, so that's a start.

That's it for the moment.

Chee summer!
Ahhh and why do I have such a weakness for women?!

Metalwork in Seattle

What did I just do?

I'm afraid of myself. Not who I am right now, of course. Him, with the ego.

What's your real?

I move smoothly through today only to sooner unveil it an illusion mirroring tomorrows'.

This writer's-blocked writer can't keep up with his own premice.

Tally

Munchies for thought

The person you want to be is a person who does not want to be you.

I wrote this on my notepad while driving home stoned last week. I often put noteworthy ideas above staying within the lines.

Do I be who I want to be

or just be naturally?

Another one from a completely different night. Same scene though.

I've been smoking consistently for a month now and it's helped me to understand a lot about myself. Excerpts such as the ones above indicate correlation. It's like dreaming the same dreams because your subconsciousness is so adamantly set in some certain understandings. I'm torn between what I want to do with my life and what I enjoy doing right now. Thing is, what I'm doing now sucks. So I need to be who I want to be. But how easy is that? Will going against my instincts transform me into another person? Does being loyal to oneself need to transcend time? Space? Sci-fi movies always present that puzzle: if I were to go back in time and alter reality, would not my present, time-traveling self transform as well? Wouldn't the thought itself be enough? That's how our modern, obscured idea of karma is today. Anyway, I know the real origins. Non-smokers don't care to understand things such as these because such thoughts conjured up by potheads are foolish to them. It's like a puff is a baseball bat to the head. Other people condemn the practice because of past personal experience. Yeah, blame your own inherent thought processes on a plant. I smoke because I know I can control myself. Heavier drugs unlock doors in the mind as well, but because of tweaked chemical compositions, none should be trusted. I, in no way, support it. Alright, I'll end before this turns into a "legalize it" campaign.

But if we arranged the UN assembly meeting into a circle..