I wanna dissect you

I haven't blogged about this sort of thing in a while.

I had a crazy night.

I experienced one of those half-awake dreams, the sort that I have when I'm under a lot of stress. These "dreams" are as real as my hands are on my laptop. I was insane. I remember twisting and turning on my bed, my limbs contorted and tangled up. Grinding my teeth. I was laughing to myself and mumbling things that I can't specifically recall. My body and mind were fully taken by madness. I'd be at some sort of hospital right now if my parents or anyone else, really, had seen it. I will never let this happen as long as I'm waking.

I'd normally attribute this to watching too much Soul Eater.

But I'm a whole mind short of normalcy.

*Ah, good news for me though. Last night, for the first time in a long, I beat paralysis. I know it's tough to understand, but getting off of my bed and into the shower was a most liberating accomplishment. Note that I have been taking showers. I just can't believe I was able to stand up for anything at that moment. So much for impossible.

Prior to the palm

Hey, you're alright.

Prior to the palm

I feel you.

You're lost

Straight terrified

Worried whether what you want to be will be

As if it's beyond your hold,

As if you don't have a choice.

You have it, though

I understand if you don't

Because everything is scary

Prior to the palm of your hand.

What we can be must be...

Seattle Central Community College:

1) Commercial Photography as a degree option:
Like UH's photo courses, SCCC offers courses on black&white and color film processing, AND in addition, digital training, studio work, lighting training, plus specified career centered courses.

2) English:

Doesn't offer as many choices as UH does, but because I'm already deep in the field, I'll nail the rest of my requirements. Best part about the curriculum is that well, at least during this current semester, they're offering a course solely focusing on America's Beat Generation

writers. Oh my lordy lord.

3) Hipsterology:

Considering triple-majoring with this.

4) I'll be admitted even with my lameass college career stats.

5) I already have friends there, so Tiff and Stephen can pick me up and drop me off every day!

Housing and jobs - still looking into that. Living outside of downtown is apparently cheaper than inside, but I don't want to sacrifice convenience either. I'll need to apply to a lot of jobs prior to final confirmation, and hopefully some businesses will understand my situation. At any rate, I'll have a load of money saved up for this plan. A LOAD. I'm going to hold 2 jobs until then.

Where did this come from?

I'm failing at school right now. Literally. I've been in a huge slump for a long time now. There's no motivation here, and don't judge me wrong - I DO want to learn and earn a degree. Doing it in Hawaii doesn't feel right at all. And it isn't only school. I hate my job and it isn't putting me in the direction that'd I need to be moving in. Writing related, photo related - even apparel retail again would be nice. The latter would prove to be well for networking too. I'm making shit wages at this job. I'll miss all of my friends here, of course, but everyone's so busy nowadays and I need to do my own things anyway. I have no romantic ties here, so moving'd be a whole lot easier. I'll miss my family a lot, but I'll live easier knowing that they won't need to financially support me anymore. My parents deserve to gamble in Vegas more often. Maybe I'll drive over to meet them someday.

I realize that I'm using future tense and subjunctive clause here, and it's because this idea is still fresh up in the air. I sat down and researched what I have so far about half an hour ago, for the first time. It may seem erratic that I want to head to Seattle after only being there one time recently, but I feel that I need to take advantage of that experience. Being free in a foreign place and learning so much about another culture has opened up so much for me. And Seattle having been that trigger, it's what this must be.

I'm dead serious about doing this.

Yeah, it's gonna happen.

I'm not the gambling type

I've been debating for the past 40 hours on whether or not what I'm doing is best for me. With this choice I'm jeopardizing my mental stability and risking dropping my life into another critical slump. There're no guarantees here and I've felt the full blown experience of matters and though most will tell me that what's transpired is grounds for ultimate separation, I just can't give up hope. I can't shake the promising vibes. The wavelengths are too in-tuned to be ignored, and trusting this, I'll forget principal for now and gamble a bit.

On a side note, I'll post some pictures from Seattle soon. Most of them will be on my fotologue, but I printed out 250+ and the gallery can only take so much in the month. So until next time..

No time, no time!

I've been so ridiculously busy and I don't have the time to tell you all about it.

But I NEED to update before Seattle because I won't be accessing the internet for the duration.

Photography is starting to kill me and I love it. For class, we've started profiles and I've already got a few solid ideas, so I'm not too worried. In free time, I'm really stoked about my color prints and I wish I had more time to focus on them and more money to spend. I bought some macro and special effects filters and though they're a hassle to switch out, they produce amazing shit. Karen and I have been going nuts with AMP photos and the last event blew out a load. Also, Karen and I have conjured up a little side "business" taking portraits and concert photos of local bands. We did Peaceofmind yesterday and Everyday Heroes this morning. It's really sick because we're devising marketing plans and copyright systems. The only downside here is that because we're small, we can't ask for too much bank and as such we're taking losses. It's all really awesome but we're not committing; it's just good practice and great fun.

I'd like to go beyond photography talk but I've gotta study for some other class.

Goodbye for a week!

Oh yeah,

Inner Views

I'm never bored.

I usually lose interest in what I dedicate myself to, but I've felt balanced as of late. If I get my fill of one activity, I've got numerous more to turn to. Yeah, there's a whole lot of pressure involved and I've had a few slumps, but I've got remedy for that too. Meditation's gotten me through so many roughs and has become my trump card against the grayer slants of life. And I'm evenly surrounded by the positive energies of great friends.

I see in my work that I'm improving in my photography. Got a light grip of f-stops and shutter speeds and the like and my hours a day spent in the lab have become exceedingly satisfying. Oh, I've got exciting news: a friend of mine may be able to word me into a job; a local photography business. I'm organizing my resume and hope to meet her boss soon. I'm pushing plus vibes to the max.

Next AMP show is approaching and I'm cramming as much as possible. I've taken a lot onto my shoulders and unloading it is going to be so liberating. More sweet news: Frankie Fresh hooked me up with a radio interview in which I'll be able to project some info on AMP and promote some upcoming shows. Badass.

March is almost here so I'll be updating my slideshow soon!

I'd update a bit more but I'm 15 minutes over my 10 minute break.

Idea

**Brought to you by my Canon

2000 EOS

Plethoras

I'd expected this semester to be the chillest ever, but I guess that's too much to ask for when you're in your...what? Fourth year? Christ.

Photography class: It's definitely a favorite, and I never check the clock unless I have a paper due in an hour. I revisit the lab that night anyway. I think I'm almost finished with the texture, form, line project because I just processed a new roll and saw the negatives yesterday. Most satisfying exposures yet. I called our teacher 'professor' and he said it gave him chicken skin. He's Stan from now on.

Argumentative: It's up there with Photo. Everyone in the class is super chill and we're allowed to bash each other's views. Only problem is that we've got three different paper assignments in progress and no one knows what the fuck is going on. Anyway, I suggested the World Cup as a debate topic and we're doing that next week.

Autobiographical: I like the content and everything, but the course throws me. I don't think our assignments are very productive. We critique one paper as a class of twenty-something and they all say the same thing. How could you advise someone to leave out a piece of his or her life?

I'll change your punctuation, but that's it.

Music: is gay. I figured it'd be cruise, but I got a D on my first midterm and I answered all of the questions. I know it isn't just me because Karen pays more attention than I do and she got a D as well. The problem is that the course is more history than music. "I didn't sign up for this sheeeet!"

And then there's AMP.

I'm putting together a photo wall for the next show on March 4th, leaving 21 days to work. I'm going to need enough faces to fill a wooden board (roughly 8x6). Most time consuming will be printing all of the photos, but I know we can do it. I'm also working with Jon on rewriting our sponsor appeals, critical to funding future happenings. There's an AMP compilation CD in progress, and they'll need me to take pictures. Needless to say, all of this takes up most of my free time, but it's productive free time. I'm taking on the pressure because life's so much more exciting like that.

Valentine's Day is on Sunday. I know that it's just any other day in the year, and that its inherent meaning could or should be applied on most if not every day. But.. you know. I'll be printing.

I've just uploaded a plethora of pics but I won't be overloading this place anymore like I did earlier. All photos can now be found here! It only lets me upload 20mb a month though. Gotta be patient I guess.

Some recent favorites:

**Brought to you by my Canon

2000 EOS

Oh yeah, forgot one thing. So I'd been searching for a standard lens for my camera to replace the not-so-standard loose one. I gave up on finding one online but I did find a lens+body (same model) on eBay that wasn't yet bid for.

$28