I tend to fade

What's most dangerous about me is the fact that I slip so easily out of things, devoid of repercussion. It seems like I don't care anymore, but there's more to it. Changing my mind is changing my plans and vise versa. It's so scary and so great.

I live in a place without gravity

everything floats

nothing is level

nothing is shaped

I'm going

I've become a cause

But all there is here is effect

Fotologue April update!

I wanna dissect you

I haven't blogged about this sort of thing in a while.

I had a crazy night.

I experienced one of those half-awake dreams, the sort that I have when I'm under a lot of stress. These "dreams" are as real as my hands are on my laptop. I was insane. I remember twisting and turning on my bed, my limbs contorted and tangled up. Grinding my teeth. I was laughing to myself and mumbling things that I can't specifically recall. My body and mind were fully taken by madness. I'd be at some sort of hospital right now if my parents or anyone else, really, had seen it. I will never let this happen as long as I'm waking.

I'd normally attribute this to watching too much Soul Eater.

But I'm a whole mind short of normalcy.

*Ah, good news for me though. Last night, for the first time in a long, I beat paralysis. I know it's tough to understand, but getting off of my bed and into the shower was a most liberating accomplishment. Note that I have been taking showers. I just can't believe I was able to stand up for anything at that moment. So much for impossible.

Prior to the palm

Hey, you're alright.

Prior to the palm

I feel you.

You're lost

Straight terrified

Worried whether what you want to be will be

As if it's beyond your hold,

As if you don't have a choice.

You have it, though

I understand if you don't

Because everything is scary

Prior to the palm of your hand.

What we can be must be...

Seattle Central Community College:

1) Commercial Photography as a degree option:
Like UH's photo courses, SCCC offers courses on black&white and color film processing, AND in addition, digital training, studio work, lighting training, plus specified career centered courses.

2) English:

Doesn't offer as many choices as UH does, but because I'm already deep in the field, I'll nail the rest of my requirements. Best part about the curriculum is that well, at least during this current semester, they're offering a course solely focusing on America's Beat Generation

writers. Oh my lordy lord.

3) Hipsterology:

Considering triple-majoring with this.

4) I'll be admitted even with my lameass college career stats.

5) I already have friends there, so Tiff and Stephen can pick me up and drop me off every day!

Housing and jobs - still looking into that. Living outside of downtown is apparently cheaper than inside, but I don't want to sacrifice convenience either. I'll need to apply to a lot of jobs prior to final confirmation, and hopefully some businesses will understand my situation. At any rate, I'll have a load of money saved up for this plan. A LOAD. I'm going to hold 2 jobs until then.

Where did this come from?

I'm failing at school right now. Literally. I've been in a huge slump for a long time now. There's no motivation here, and don't judge me wrong - I DO want to learn and earn a degree. Doing it in Hawaii doesn't feel right at all. And it isn't only school. I hate my job and it isn't putting me in the direction that'd I need to be moving in. Writing related, photo related - even apparel retail again would be nice. The latter would prove to be well for networking too. I'm making shit wages at this job. I'll miss all of my friends here, of course, but everyone's so busy nowadays and I need to do my own things anyway. I have no romantic ties here, so moving'd be a whole lot easier. I'll miss my family a lot, but I'll live easier knowing that they won't need to financially support me anymore. My parents deserve to gamble in Vegas more often. Maybe I'll drive over to meet them someday.

I realize that I'm using future tense and subjunctive clause here, and it's because this idea is still fresh up in the air. I sat down and researched what I have so far about half an hour ago, for the first time. It may seem erratic that I want to head to Seattle after only being there one time recently, but I feel that I need to take advantage of that experience. Being free in a foreign place and learning so much about another culture has opened up so much for me. And Seattle having been that trigger, it's what this must be.

I'm dead serious about doing this.

Yeah, it's gonna happen.

I'm not the gambling type

I've been debating for the past 40 hours on whether or not what I'm doing is best for me. With this choice I'm jeopardizing my mental stability and risking dropping my life into another critical slump. There're no guarantees here and I've felt the full blown experience of matters and though most will tell me that what's transpired is grounds for ultimate separation, I just can't give up hope. I can't shake the promising vibes. The wavelengths are too in-tuned to be ignored, and trusting this, I'll forget principal for now and gamble a bit.

On a side note, I'll post some pictures from Seattle soon. Most of them will be on my fotologue, but I printed out 250+ and the gallery can only take so much in the month. So until next time..

No time, no time!

I've been so ridiculously busy and I don't have the time to tell you all about it.

But I NEED to update before Seattle because I won't be accessing the internet for the duration.

Photography is starting to kill me and I love it. For class, we've started profiles and I've already got a few solid ideas, so I'm not too worried. In free time, I'm really stoked about my color prints and I wish I had more time to focus on them and more money to spend. I bought some macro and special effects filters and though they're a hassle to switch out, they produce amazing shit. Karen and I have been going nuts with AMP photos and the last event blew out a load. Also, Karen and I have conjured up a little side "business" taking portraits and concert photos of local bands. We did Peaceofmind yesterday and Everyday Heroes this morning. It's really sick because we're devising marketing plans and copyright systems. The only downside here is that because we're small, we can't ask for too much bank and as such we're taking losses. It's all really awesome but we're not committing; it's just good practice and great fun.

I'd like to go beyond photography talk but I've gotta study for some other class.

Goodbye for a week!

Oh yeah,