Tally

Munchies for thought

The person you want to be is a person who does not want to be you.

I wrote this on my notepad while driving home stoned last week. I often put noteworthy ideas above staying within the lines.

Do I be who I want to be

or just be naturally?

Another one from a completely different night. Same scene though.

I've been smoking consistently for a month now and it's helped me to understand a lot about myself. Excerpts such as the ones above indicate correlation. It's like dreaming the same dreams because your subconsciousness is so adamantly set in some certain understandings. I'm torn between what I want to do with my life and what I enjoy doing right now. Thing is, what I'm doing now sucks. So I need to be who I want to be. But how easy is that? Will going against my instincts transform me into another person? Does being loyal to oneself need to transcend time? Space? Sci-fi movies always present that puzzle: if I were to go back in time and alter reality, would not my present, time-traveling self transform as well? Wouldn't the thought itself be enough? That's how our modern, obscured idea of karma is today. Anyway, I know the real origins. Non-smokers don't care to understand things such as these because such thoughts conjured up by potheads are foolish to them. It's like a puff is a baseball bat to the head. Other people condemn the practice because of past personal experience. Yeah, blame your own inherent thought processes on a plant. I smoke because I know I can control myself. Heavier drugs unlock doors in the mind as well, but because of tweaked chemical compositions, none should be trusted. I, in no way, support it. Alright, I'll end before this turns into a "legalize it" campaign.

But if we arranged the UN assembly meeting into a circle..

I tend to fade

What's most dangerous about me is the fact that I slip so easily out of things, devoid of repercussion. It seems like I don't care anymore, but there's more to it. Changing my mind is changing my plans and vise versa. It's so scary and so great.

I live in a place without gravity

everything floats

nothing is level

nothing is shaped

I'm going

I've become a cause

But all there is here is effect

Fotologue April update!

I wanna dissect you

I haven't blogged about this sort of thing in a while.

I had a crazy night.

I experienced one of those half-awake dreams, the sort that I have when I'm under a lot of stress. These "dreams" are as real as my hands are on my laptop. I was insane. I remember twisting and turning on my bed, my limbs contorted and tangled up. Grinding my teeth. I was laughing to myself and mumbling things that I can't specifically recall. My body and mind were fully taken by madness. I'd be at some sort of hospital right now if my parents or anyone else, really, had seen it. I will never let this happen as long as I'm waking.

I'd normally attribute this to watching too much Soul Eater.

But I'm a whole mind short of normalcy.

*Ah, good news for me though. Last night, for the first time in a long, I beat paralysis. I know it's tough to understand, but getting off of my bed and into the shower was a most liberating accomplishment. Note that I have been taking showers. I just can't believe I was able to stand up for anything at that moment. So much for impossible.

Prior to the palm

Hey, you're alright.

Prior to the palm

I feel you.

You're lost

Straight terrified

Worried whether what you want to be will be

As if it's beyond your hold,

As if you don't have a choice.

You have it, though

I understand if you don't

Because everything is scary

Prior to the palm of your hand.

What we can be must be...

Seattle Central Community College:

1) Commercial Photography as a degree option:
Like UH's photo courses, SCCC offers courses on black&white and color film processing, AND in addition, digital training, studio work, lighting training, plus specified career centered courses.

2) English:

Doesn't offer as many choices as UH does, but because I'm already deep in the field, I'll nail the rest of my requirements. Best part about the curriculum is that well, at least during this current semester, they're offering a course solely focusing on America's Beat Generation

writers. Oh my lordy lord.

3) Hipsterology:

Considering triple-majoring with this.

4) I'll be admitted even with my lameass college career stats.

5) I already have friends there, so Tiff and Stephen can pick me up and drop me off every day!

Housing and jobs - still looking into that. Living outside of downtown is apparently cheaper than inside, but I don't want to sacrifice convenience either. I'll need to apply to a lot of jobs prior to final confirmation, and hopefully some businesses will understand my situation. At any rate, I'll have a load of money saved up for this plan. A LOAD. I'm going to hold 2 jobs until then.

Where did this come from?

I'm failing at school right now. Literally. I've been in a huge slump for a long time now. There's no motivation here, and don't judge me wrong - I DO want to learn and earn a degree. Doing it in Hawaii doesn't feel right at all. And it isn't only school. I hate my job and it isn't putting me in the direction that'd I need to be moving in. Writing related, photo related - even apparel retail again would be nice. The latter would prove to be well for networking too. I'm making shit wages at this job. I'll miss all of my friends here, of course, but everyone's so busy nowadays and I need to do my own things anyway. I have no romantic ties here, so moving'd be a whole lot easier. I'll miss my family a lot, but I'll live easier knowing that they won't need to financially support me anymore. My parents deserve to gamble in Vegas more often. Maybe I'll drive over to meet them someday.

I realize that I'm using future tense and subjunctive clause here, and it's because this idea is still fresh up in the air. I sat down and researched what I have so far about half an hour ago, for the first time. It may seem erratic that I want to head to Seattle after only being there one time recently, but I feel that I need to take advantage of that experience. Being free in a foreign place and learning so much about another culture has opened up so much for me. And Seattle having been that trigger, it's what this must be.

I'm dead serious about doing this.

Yeah, it's gonna happen.