Jitters

I should be in school right now, studying and taking online quizzes, but I'm exhausted. The Psych meeting isn't tremendously important, so I slept through that. Having five classes (including a lab) isn't so rough, but the courses are an hour and fifteen long, provide little to no content besides slides, and are extremely boring at times. If I stop taking notes for a minute or so, I'm already crashing. My independent Astro field studies were depriving me of a lot of rest, so I haven't gotten any work done in a while.

Those dreams I referred to in an earlier entry were raping me super bad, so my psychiatrist prescribed me some sleep aid medication. Problem right now is, I'm gonna be having "hangovers" for a while until my body gets used to it. A long way back, I could function on six hours of rest, but within the past week, I've needed nine. I told my mom that my body feels like it's aging too fast. Like it's dying. She laughed and assured me that I'm still young and everything. But man, my body feels like it's dying.

Ahhh and my anxiety gets the best of me at the worst times. I've been wanting so bad to meet new people at school, and I play it out in my mind, and figure what I'm going to say, and yeah. I think I analyze possible scenarios so much that when it happens differently, I panic over not having a plan for the provided situation. And afterwards, I feel like I made a fool of myself and that the person probably won't talk to me in class the next day. Fuck. I get all shaky and can't make as much eye contact, and I think I end up sounding dumb, literally. I have a medication for this, but it's got some side-effects. My psychiatrist said it'll make me "feel drunk" and that I shouldn't (harhar Kiana) drive or operate heavy machinery, y'know, that whole bit. But then again, when I do drink, I am a lot calmer and less self-conscious. I'm just terrified of becoming dependent on the stuff. The thought of relapsing is giving me anxiety right now, so I'm ending.